Last night Craig and I sat down and talked about my job and plans for this summer. It was not an argument at all - he was very supportive and agreed with everything I brought up. There were some tears involved as I talked about how I feel like I missed out on the past two years of the kids' lives - how I am glad that I was home with them, yet feel like I missed out on so much because of having a day care. We agreed I should give notice to my last daycare child for June and become a full-time SAHM again.
I went to bed feeling very good about things and looking forward to this summer with the kids. However, when I woke up, I started feeling really badly about giving notice to K's mom. It's not that K is a problem - we really like her. I just have this need to be with my own kids.
To top things off, I talked with Maddie about this. I told her that I was thinking that I wouldn't babysit anymore and that we would have the summer to be with just our family. We talked about vacation, pools, going to the zoo etc. And do you know what she did?
She was so upset that I was considering not having K at our house. She said she would really miss her - even if they have been fighting more than usual lately. I reminded her that just because I wouldn't be K's babysitter didn't mean they can't be friends. We live less than a mile from her and they go to the same school. Playdates would be inevitable - regardless of my employment.
I still really feel like I should make the move to a SAHM, but I will give Maddie an option to give her vote too. She has never been fond of any change, so I wasn't overly surprised with her reaction. If she really will be too upset NOT having K here, I will consider keeping her. But I am hoping that Maddie sees that I am looking to have time as a family. I know that in a year or two, Maddie will be more interested in friends than mom - and that's why I feel that I need to do this now.
I wish this were easier on everyone. A year ago, Maddie would have been fine with having time with just me. She's growing up too quickly.